The very secret diary of Haldir and others
by Nithwen
Summary: Don't think I've seen one of these before :).Based on Cassandra Claire’s Very Secret Diaries. *New chapter! The VSD of Thranduil*
1. Haldir- rumor starting guardian of Lorie...

The very secret diary of Haldir- Based on Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries. If you haven't read them you should! They're all really really good! And you'll get more of the jokes in this. You can read them at http://diaries.diagon.org/  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own LotR ( or Cassandra Claire's VSD's, or the song 'All rise'. I don't own anything…  
  
AN- For those who don't know, Rumil and Orophin are Haldir's brothers.  
  
  
  
~*~The very secret diary of Haldir~*~  
  
  
  
**Day 10,304**  
  
Galadriel called an emergency meeting of the Lorien Guards today. Apparently Sauron has come out of hiding again. Stated that I wasn't surprised, as I always knew the Dark Lord was gay. Received death glare from Celeborn for that. Come on, he was thinking the same thing.  
  
Rumil, Orophin and I have been sent out on watch. Do not mind as it gives me an excuse to play jokes on the other guards.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Starting a rumor that Celeborn used to be in a boy band with Elrond, Glorfindel, and Thranduil. And that their hit single was All Rise.  
  
  
  
**Day 10,327**  
  
I am extremely insulted that I did not get invited to the Council of Elrond. When I confronted Galadriel about it she said that Elrond was still angry at me for winning last century's cross-dressing contest. Was about to ask her how she knew that was me but decided against it as I don't want a demonstration of her power. Radioactive Elf Queen is slightly freaky.  
  
Too bad about the council though. Was rather looking forward to seeing Legolas again. I will just have to wait till the Fellowship is in Lorien.  
  
Later~ Orophin says Rumil has a crush on Arwen. Laughed hysterically when I found out it was true. Much prefer Arwen's ex myself. Future King's manly stubble is very intriguing. Managed to convince Galadriel to let me use her mirror to spy on the FS. It is amazing how so many good-looking men can fit into a group determined to destroy a tacky gold ring. Legolas is prettiest member of FS. Have decided to flirt when he gets to Lorien.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Telling Galadriel of Rumil's 'obsession' with her granddaughter. Got to see Radioactive Elf Queen.  
  
  
  
**Day 10, 345**  
  
Got to scare the pants off the FS today. They have finally arrived in Lorien. However, the result of scaring their pants off was less than effective, as I didn't literally scare their pants off. Tried using my sexy, high authority Guardian-of-Lorien voice to seduce Legolas/the humans but FS members way into each other to notice. Made them walk blindfolded into Lorien as subtle punishment. Was v. amusing leading them into trees and yelling at my brothers for not being more careful with them.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
When the FS got headaches (from the trees) and giving them caffeine pills instead of painkillers. Ha ha they'll be up all night.  
  
  
  
**Day 10,347**  
  
Someone stated a rumor that the FS was actually a traveling brothel. Swear it wasn't me. Oh what am I lying for it's my diary. Have discovered that Lorien elves have a strange attraction to Hobbits, especially the one named Pippin. Thanks to my clever thinking I directed them to Merry's room instead of Pippin's, as I wanted to see his reaction. Was v. amusing.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Watching Legolas's nude version of 'The Silmarillon'-the musical. He hasn't done that since Elrond's Middle Earth talent quest. (Ah…now that was fun)  
  
  
  
**Day 10,351**  
  
Have decided the FS members are gay. Noticed attraction between Legolas- Aragorn, Sam- Frodo, Merry- Pippin, Pippin- Boromir, and Boromir- Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn. Oh and Aragorn is after Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.  
  
Am feeling left out as the Hobbits got to blow the Horn of Gondor and I didn't. Cheered myself up by taking a bath in Galadriel's mirror and laughing as she got angry at Legolas for clogging the drain with hair. Didn't bother to tell her that it was me using the bath and not Legolas.  
  
Am scared that Galadriel is turning into a pervy hobbit-fancier as I caught her flirting with the ring-bearer. That Hobbit is way too innocent for his own good. He had no idea what the Freaky Elf Queen wanted so he offered her the ring.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Seeing Aragorn take a bath. It's not everyday you see or even hear about that happening.  
  
  
  
**Day 10,354**  
  
Am bored of the FS and have gone back to teasing my brothers. Put Orophin's toothbrush in Rumil's bag and laughed as Orophin chased Rumil around all day. Started rumor that Orophin dyes his hair to keep it perfect. For extra fun I said that Legolas does too. Subtly told Legolas that Rumil boasted about being the prettiest elf in Middle Earth. Wrote 'Orophin Luv's Galadriel' in a convenient place for Celeborn to see. Ha ha. Outcome of that one will be v. interesting as it is a well-known fact (thanks to me) that Celeborn has a crush on Orophin.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Watching Legolas and Rumil decide to settle their 'Prettiest Elf' debate at Elrond's next beauty contest. Neither will win however as I will be there too.  
  
  
  
**Day 10,359**  
  
FS left today. Decided I miss them v. much. Felt better after I received an invitation for Elrond's next sleepover. Was rather distressed to see that the theme was 'Purple' though.  
  
I have discovered the Internet. Am dating someone who calls herself 'fiery soul'. All she does is complain about how some guy broke her heart on a date from the Second Age. At least I think it's a she. I think I better block her/him/it. Just got asked if I like to play with fire.  
  
Have gone back to starting rumors.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Surprisingly nothing. I think I am losing my talent for starting rumors. Damn it.  
  
  
  
**Day 10,361**  
  
Have just heard that Uruk Hai have killed Boromir, Merry and Pippin have been captured by orcs, and that Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are running after them without any hope of catching up with them. Also that the ring- bearer and his faithful manservant have headed into Mordor to destroy the tacky gold ring and are most likely to perish. All in all not very uplifting news. Decided to take another bath in Galadriel's mirror.  
  
I have gotten my rumor-starting talent back. Told everyone that Galadriel used to be a Playboy model. Was extremely shocked when she demanded to know how I knew that.  
  
Most Amusing Thing of Day:  
  
Watching Celeborn running after Orophin shouting, "But I thought you loved meeee!!!!!!"  
  
Side note- I miss Gandalf. No one was as good at the pointy hat trick as he was. 


	2. Elladan and Elrohir- v.embarrassed sons ...

Yay! Next chapter! Once again, based on the extremely funny Cassandra Claire's VSD (http://diaries.diagon.org/)  
  
Disclaimer: No, still don't own LotR, CC's VSD, or even Cartoon Network's 'Pinky and the Brain'. You gotta love that show. ^_^.  
  
A/N: For those deprived individuals who haven't read LotR, Elladan+Elrohir are Elrond's twin sons, and the unsung heroes of the whole story. Or at least they should be. This diary flicks between Elladan and Elrohir's diary entries.  
  
  
  
~*~ The Very Secret Diary of Elladan and Elrohir ~*~  
  
  
  
**Day 11,037**  
  
E-dan: Is v. embarrassing having Elrond as a father. Have left Rivendell to get away from Cross-dressing, disco-dancing, party-holding and strawberry smelling maniac.  
  
E-hir: You forgot purple-loving. And you think I'm the forgetful one!  
  
E-dan: You are the forgetful one! Remember the time you forgot to tell Arwen that her boyfriend was a pervy-hobbit fancier?  
  
E-hir: That was intentional. It'll be more fun this way. Hey, we're getting off topic. So, we left Rivendell… now, a few hours later, am very bored. Decided to go to Lothlorien.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,040**  
  
E-dan: Came to fork in the road. One sign said 'Lothlorien' and the other said 'Mordor'. Elrohir insisted that it was a trick to keep us out of Lorien, and that we should follow the 'Mordor' sign. Despite my argument that Galadriel wasn't smart enough to think of something like that, I followed him down the 'Mordor' road anyway. I don't know why I listen to him sometimes.  
  
Encountered v. disturbing things on the way. Saw Orcs in pink tutus singing 'we're off to see the wizard' (v. scary) and the Mordor electricians trying to install a cable to Isengaurd. Oh, and Ringwraiths asked us which Jewelry store in Middle Earth sells tacky gold rings. Recommended random Hobbit. Are you pondering what I'm pondering Pinky?  
  
E-hir: I think so Brain, but didn't the Gap of Rohan close down?  
  
E-dan: _ Am getting sneaky suspicion that Sauron has come out again. Bummer.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,042**  
  
E-hir: Thanks to my genius thinking, we have discovered the dark lord.  
  
E-dan: Genius thinking? *coughohpleasecough*  
  
E-hir: Ahem, yes, it was genius, because if I hadn't thought to follow the sign labeled 'Mordor', Middle Earth would be doomed.  
  
E-dan: Right. Cause no one else would have noticed the wannabe pop star orcs.  
  
E-hir: Excuse me brother 'dearest' but this is MY diary entry. So there. Anyway, as I was saying, I have decided it would be best to report this incident to the 'Sauron watchers club.'  
  
E-dan: Yes I'm sure they'll be thrilled to discover that the ex-heartthrob dark lord is now a disembodied eye.  
  
E-hir: Not that club. The club father and Gandalf started. I swear they have way too much time on their hands.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,043**  
  
E-dan: Received note from Haldir. Said 'twins. am in need of new dirt. send any inside info u have. much appreciated. haldir.' Replied saying 'father used to be in a band with glorfindel. use ur imagination. twins.' Ha ha just wait till Glorfindel finds out about this. It'll be all over Middle Earth in a few days. Glorfindel is very sensitive about his old band-days. Father won't care though. He'll probably use it as an excuse to throw a party. He'll call it- 'Elrond's embarrassing childhood has been revealed, come and get drunk Party'.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,047**  
  
E-hir: Are back in Rivendell. Have told father the news about Sauron and he promptly sent out invitations for a party. Apparently he has to get as much usage out of that disco ball before Sauron insists he returns it. I hope Legolas comes. He is after all the prettiest elf in Middle Earth.  
  
Father has decided to call the party the 'council of Elrond.' What a big imagination he has.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,050**  
  
E-dan: All the important council-type-people have arrived. Thanks to Gandalf, the no.1 priority of the council/party/gossip/bitching session is now to discuss the fate of Middle Earth. (It was previously to see how many elves could fit onto a twister board.) Managed to secure spot at the grand meeting. Told father it was cause we have a personal interest, having discovered the Dark Lord ourselves. At least that was my reason. I think Elrohir just wants to perve on Aragorn. V.disturbing thought. Not only is he Arwen's ex, but also since he was raised with us he's kinda our brother. Am very concerned for my brother's well being. He obviously has issues. I myself am not attracted at all to the pervy hobbit fancier who is still not king-  
  
E-hir: You are to! Don't tell me you haven't noticed the well-formed muscles, manly stubble, and, err, long sword.  
  
E-dan: Hmm. Right.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,051**  
  
E-hir: You know, we actually need to make an appointment to get into the first floor bathroom! Can you believe it? An appointment to get into our own bathroom. I swear, council-people have taken over Rivendell! You can't go anywhere without bumping into one of them. Legolas nancing. Gimli flirting with Arwen. Merry in the vegetable garden. Pippin looking suspiciously like a garden gnome. Boromir hanging around the broken sword. (Someone should fix that. Is V.dangerous. Someone could lose an eye. Or finger.) Ring-bearer and Sam in the bathroom using all Father's precious bubble bath.  
  
E-dan: Precious? They've been called that before! But not by you!  
  
E-hir: Huh?  
  
E-dan: Never mind.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,052**  
  
E-dan: Hinted to father that everyone should be sent away so we could have Rivendell back. Suggested that while they were at it, they could destroy that horribly tacky gold ring. He said he'd take it into consideration. First floor bathroom, here I come!  
  
~Later (At council)~  
  
E-hir: 'And you shall be- the Fellowship of the ring!' Oh dear god. Who does he think he is? Now we have to add 'over-dramatic speaker' to our list of 'reasons why Elrond is an embarrassing father'. Just need a few more reasons then it can be published. We already have a publishing deal with the Middle Earth bookshops. They have convinced us that this will be a top- selling book.  
  
E-dan: I have a reason. He wears his daughter's tiara. Now I understand why Arwen wasn't allowed at the council. And I thought it was cause her prettiness would upstage Legolas. (Spoiled prince of Mirkwood has V. fragile ego. Is in constant need to hold innocent hobbits over valleys to convince himself that he is prettiest.)  
  
Am worried about Aragorn's safety. He is getting way too attached to Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,059**  
  
E-hir: Yay! The newly formed 'fellowship of the ring' is leaving later on today. Will finally be able to walk around palace naked without receiving suggestive glances from Boromir. How many times do I have to tell him that the 'horn of Gondor' pick-up line doesn't work on elves as regal and prince- like as me?  
  
E-dan: Though I will miss Gandalf's pointy hat trick. Glorfindel won't. I don't see why Gandalf scares him so much. Wimp. Oh, in other news, everyone in Rivendell and surrounding areas has heard that Father used to be in a boy band with Glorfindel, Thranduil, and Celeborn. Oh you should have seen the look on poor Glory's face…  
  
  
  
**Day 11,062**  
  
E-dan: *shudder* as suspected, Father isn't bothered by the boy band rumor at all and is in fact planning a party. Told him it really wouldn't be moral holding a celebration while the fellowship and Middle Earth are in such grave peril. Did he listen? No. Another thing to add to our list- 'Holds parties at extremely inappropriate times.'  
  
E-hir: Cannot cope with humiliation any longer. Are going to Lothlorien. And this time I'll make sure Elladan leads us down the right path.  
  
E-dan: Hey! It was your fault we headed to Mordor last time!  
  
E-hir: Oh that's just an insignificant detail.  
  
  
  
**Day 11,064**  
  
E-hir: Met a Lorien messenger on the way there. He told us that Galadriel was considering an acting career and wanted someone to star opposite her in 'Titanic'. Ha ha Haldir you'll have to get better than that. Who's going to believe that rumor?  
  
~Even Later~  
  
E-hir: Discovered rumor was actually true. Scary.  
  
  
  
A/N: So you guys think I should continue? Who should I do next? Glorfindel? Or what about Thranduil? Hmm or...I'm open to suggestions. 


	3. Thranduil Bored Woodking of Mirkwood

Next chapter is here! Yes, it has been ages since I updated, but better late than never right? I plan to write Glorfindel's diary before attempting to write Haldir's TTT diary.  
  
A huge thank you to all those who have reviewed over the last few weeks!  
  
Disclaimer: Even though it has been several months, I am no closer to owning LotR, The Hobbit, The Silmarillion, or Cassandra Claire's VSD's than I was before.  
  
  
  
~*~ The Very Secret Dairy of Thranduil, Wood-king Mirkwood ~*~  
  
  
  
**Day 16,072** Am shocked. Son Legolas has been summoned to a secret council and I have not. Is actually Elrond's latest bash, but writing secret council is more fun. Is v.boring being Wood-king.  
  
No doubt party will be dull anyway, not like the good old days, when everyone would come in drag and we would play 'Monopoly- Valinor edition'.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,076** Have taken to writing poetry. Therapist suggested that it would be good way to get out all my 'bottled emotions'. Here goes.  
  
There was once an elf named Nimray Who was convinced that Sauron was gay Was a slut a heart So dressed like a tart And took Sauron for roll in the hay  
  
Rather good I thought. Am working on second verse.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,095** Have received letter from son:  
  
~"Dear daddy, Party canceled. Instead, have volunteered to go on quest to destroy horribly tacky ring. Is highly perilous journey, involving many fashion- freaks who wish to have the ring for their own bad fashion collections. Am unlikely to return. Luv Leggy. P.S. Your order of strawberry-scented bubble bath will be late, seems they're all out here. P.P.S. Remember not-king guy? Well, not only is he still not king, am thinking he prefers ring-bearing hobbit over me. Oh well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything, that will teach him a lesson."~  
  
Humph. He has all the fun. Am very disappointed about the bubble bath though. Will have to settle for salt-scented bubble bath from Lake Town.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,102** Am constantly worried about son Legolas. Seems unnaturally obsessed with his hair; suspect he also fancies that not-king dude.  
  
Don't have anything against gays myself. I once had a friend who spent all his time conspiring to shag Glorfindel of Imladris.  
  
Wait a sec, that was me. Was v. boring being Wood-prince.  
  
-Later- Have been thinking. Attempt to shag Glory was not such a bad move. After all, ended up in rock band along with Celeborn and Elrond, both of who ended up being Lords. Now there's a story to tell the grandkids. Though, probably won't get any if Legolas continues to insist he's 'fairest of them all', and if the rumor about him and that Gimli fellow are true.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,109** Was very bored, being Wood-king v. boring, so decided to flip through old Playelf magazines. Found model that looked disturbingly like Galadriel. Was disgusted. Can you imagine the scandal if M.E. found out that Radioactive Elf Queen posed *naked* beside Idril 'Silverfoot', in a set that looks freakishly like Gondolin??  
  
Decided it would be fun to see the scandal if M.E. found out. Sent e-mail to Haldir, subtly suggesting that Galadriel being ex-playelf model sounds plausible.  
  
And no, will not feel one bit guilty for leaking story. Am stuck in 2000- year-long catfight with that blonde witch. The nickname Radioactive Elf Queen? I came up with that.  
  
Is v. boring being Wood-king. Way too much time on hands.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,115** Received Internet mailing list from Haldir of Lorien. Local Goss includes:  
  
"Fellowship too into each other to save Middle Earth- the world is doomed!"  
  
"Galadriel's mirror is really a futuristic communication device built for the purpose of contacting aliens- local law enforcement is investigating where funds to built it came from."  
  
Mailing list is highlight of week. Is v. boring being Wood-king.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,121** Is v. boring being wood-king. No guests in years, with the exception of the whole 'Gollum' incident, which I won't get into now.  
  
Last guests were bunch of dwarves who were so unhappy with accommodation they left, hiding in barrels no less.  
  
They were our v. best rooms, was under the impression that dwarves liked 'deep, dark places'? Perhaps this is really just a metaphor for something less innocent.  
  
Will ponder on this for many days.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,124** Received new letter from son. Didn't have much to report, just the usual stuff.  
  
~"Daddy, Gandalf fell into shadow. Am now in Lorien. Galadriel is psycho hairstyle- thief. Suspect Haldir blindfolded us and made us run into trees on purpose. Having great time, wish you were here. Luv Leggy. P.S. Aragorn had bath. V. sexy now."~  
  
Sigh. Legolas is the daughter I never had. Complete with long blonde hair and scented pink stationary.  
  
Will miss Gandalf. Pointy hat trick was most entertaining. Is v. boring being Wood-king.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,134** The 'Middle-Earth Press' featured v. interesting article today. Have taken the liberty to write it down in case am bored later and decide to read over own diary entries.  
  
"Ringaholics not-so-anonymous welcomes new member Boromir. Founder Tom Bombadil still insists way to keep cravings at bay is by singing really annoying songs.  
  
Boromir son of Denethor states that he is not a ringaholic and simply thinks the group meetings would be a good way to meet people.  
  
This reporter thinks group meetings would also be a good way to capture The Dark Lord, who is also apparently lonely. Nobody listens to this reporter though."  
  
  
  
**Day 16,139** Thank god for Haldir's Internet Mailing list. Was beginning to get bored. All-new news from Elf-central includes:  
  
"Countdown to Elrond's next Beauty Pageant is on. Competition is expected to be fierce, as contestants will include Legolas of Mirkwood and Rumil of Lorien."  
  
"Next Middle Earth Olympics to be held in Mordor. New events include 100m eagle fly-and-drop, and pin-the-finger-on-the-hobbit."  
  
Cannot wait till Pageant. Am considering entering myself. Am not too bad looking, after all, Legolas did get all pretty looks from me. Though am not so obviously insecure about it myself.  
  
  
  
**Day 16,142** Press Release on TV today. News reporter says Boromir son of Denethor is dead. Also reported kidnapping of two halflings, with the suspected kidnappers being freaky hybrid version of orcs. He said some other stuff too but had lost interest by then.  
  
Am thinking that perhaps there are worst things than being bored Wood-king. For example, would not like to be in Mordor right now. I should try not to complain as much.  
  
-Later- Am running out of diary room. V. serious situation, diary is usually only entertainment of day. Is v. boring being Wood-king. 


End file.
